Supporting your child when a loved one goes to prison

You and your child may experience a real sense of loss, missing the company of the loved one who is in prison.

The typical “stages of grief” model may help you understand how your child reacts:

1. Shock

Your child may show disbelief and laughter and ask if the person telling them the news is joking. In response, they may switch to auto-pilot and try to carry on as usual, or they may have an extreme reaction, sobbing uncontrollably.

Supporting the child through shock:

Do not appear alarmed at your child's response – especially if it seems inappropriate (e.g. laughter). It is important to reassure your child that numbness and disbelief are normal. When explaining the situation, keep the language clear and straightforward to avoid misunderstanding. Importantly, reassure them that you are there for them and will listen to and answer their questions.

2. Denial

Your child may not accept the loss and pretend that nothing has happened, refusing to believe that their family member is gone. This may result in them lying about the situation to others and themselves.

Supporting the child through denial:

Give your child time to process and accept the truth – denial is a protective mechanism, and they will move past this with time. It is also important to talk openly with your child – reassure them that they can talk to you about what has happened and that they won't get in trouble for asking questions about imprisonment.

3. Anger

Your child may be mad at the world and blame others. They may get frustrated and over-reactive, blowing up over the smallest event. They may also use anger to cover up their hurt/sadness and lash out at those not involved.

Supporting the child through anger:

If they are hurting themselves/others, explain that whilst it is OK to feel angry, it is not OK to hurt themselves/others. You could encourage your child to have an outlet for their anger safely – e.g. exercise (running) or hitting a pillow.

It is essential to reassure your child that they should not feel guilty about being angry at their imprisoned family member – this is a natural response and does not mean that they do not love their family member. It is also vital to remain constant and not get upset if they get angry towards you; this will reinforce that you are there to support them no matter what.

4. Bargaining

Your child may try to "make deals" to change the situation - e.g., "If Dad comes back, I will be good forever" or "If I make the house clean and tidy, Mum will come back."

Supporting the child through bargaining:

Explain that there is nothing they can do that will bring their loved one back – the family member is not in prison because of them, and therefore, they can't do anything to get them out of prison. Be aware that despite the reassurances, your child may continue to bargain as it makes them feel they are doing something helpful for their loved one.

5. Guilt

Guilt is anger turned inwards – your child may blame themselves for their family member's imprisonment.

Your child may also feel guilt for any enjoyment, either because they think they shouldn't be happy while their loved one is away or shouldn't be happy if their loved one isn't happy - e.g. feeling guilty for enjoying an ice cream when Dad can't enjoy an ice cream in prison.

Supporting the child through guilt:

Reassurance is vital for feelings of guilt – it is important to tell them that they are not to blame. It may also be helpful to explore with your child how and why they feel responsible and then respond to their reasons by explaining how and why they are not responsible. It is also helpful to encourage your child to talk about how they are feeling/what they are thinking.

6. Depression

You may see signs of depression in your child – they may not want to be with their friends, they may withdraw and refuse to go to school, they may continuously cry, and there may be significant changes in their appetite and sleep patterns.

Supporting the child through depression:

Ensure that your child knows their feelings are important – especially as they may have low self-esteem and feelings of worth. It is also helpful to encourage your child to participate in their usual hobbies, sports and friendships. It is important to note that there is a difference between showing signs of depression and suffering from depression, and if you become concerned about your child's mental health, you should talk to a GP.

7. Acknowledgment

This is where the child acknowledges and believes that the loss is real, and they show signs of being willing to move on – e.g. "My brother isn't here anymore" and "I am going to be OK."

Supporting the child through acknowledgement:

Help your child to understand that it is OK to become interested in life again and that this is not disrespectful to their imprisoned family member. You can also reassure the child that although things have changed, this does not mean they won't have a happy life or an exciting future ahead of them.

Every child is different, and how they respond to the news will also vary from child to child.

Your children may ask you a lot of questions about prison – being able to answer these can help reassure your child and stop them from being concerned about how their loved one is. Some children imagine prisons as being a lot worse than reality, and they may be curious as to what their loved one does all day. It can reassure your child if they can imagine what their loved one is doing and where they live. On the other hand, your child may just accept the information and want to avoid talking about it further.

Some children may feel sorry for their loved one in prison, or they may feel angry and let down that their loved one has had to go away and leave them. Some children may feel that they are to blame for the imprisonment – it is important to reassure them they are not. Some children may be embarrassed or ashamed, or some may be proud. Some children might feel a whole range of emotions depending on the day. Some will be very upset, and you may see some changes in their behaviour – this may happen as they learn to adjust and come to terms with the information and their loved one’s absence from home.

What do they already know?

It may be helpful to consider what your child already knows – did they witness men in uniforms coming into their home? Have they overheard any conversations they may not understand? Older children may have guessed what happened, overheard gossip, or read the headlines in the paper or online.

Your child may be distressed if they witnessed the arrest. They will need explanations and comfort to help them deal with the experience, particularly if force was used by the police, such as kicking the front door down or handcuffing their loved one in from of them. Your child's home and community may suddenly feel unsafe for them, and they may be distrustful towards the police or people in uniforms.

After a loss, children need support, stability, and honesty. Children may blame themselves for what happened; the truth helps them see they are not at fault. Children may also imagine the situation as much worse than reality, so the truth may reassure them and put their minds at rest.

Consider the age of the child

The age of the children is important to consider when deciding how to tell them and how much information you should give. For younger children, you may not want to explain why they are in prison, but say something like, “You know your daddy’s away – did you know that the place where we are going is called a prison? That means he can’t come home for three birthdays, but we will keep visiting him so he knows we still love him”.

Older children will need much more information – and with access to the internet, they are likely to get it somehow. If you are the one to tell them, you will not only have some control over the quality of that information, but you can also have some influence over its emotional impact.

When to tell the child

It is important to think about where and when to tell a child. It would help if you did not tell them at a time of distress or trauma, as it will be difficult for them to comprehend the news. It is worth bearing in mind the time of day. Some research suggests that the first thing in the morning can be difficult as children are collecting their thoughts, whereas later in the evening can be difficult as children have lots of thoughts to deal with. 

It is also worth considering where you tell them. We would recommend this to be an informal environment, possibly when playing, so they are comfortable and in familiar surroundings. If the child is younger, think about what is calming for them; this could be a toy or a comforter that they have with them. Do think about the language you use, making sure it is age-appropriate.

Who should tell the child

Most people prefer to hear difficult news from someone they can trust. In some cases, this may not necessarily be the parent. It could, for instance, be from another member of the family. As the parent/carer, you are the expert on the child and how they will react, so think about who might be best to talk to them and where, when and how to broach the subject.

It is also important to work with other people supporting the child in their life – so do speak to your child's nursery, school or college to ask for support and find another trusted adult in whom the child can confide.What to tell the child

What to tell the child

Most children will want to know where their family member is and why. A child may have a very simple idea of good and bad, especially younger children. They may feel that if a parent or family member has gone to prison, it makes that person a bad person - and maybe that makes them (their child) bad too. Children strongly identify with parents as role models - particularly sons with fathers and girls with mothers. So it is essential to reassure a child that although their family member may have done a bad thing, it doesn't mean that they are a bad person - and it does not mean that the child is not loved. Nor does it mean the child is going to be bad. 

You may have strong feelings about the family member's offending, and it is ok to tell a child that you feel cross or angry that the person has been 'naughty' or done a bad thing, as they are likely to pick up on your emotions. Be honest, open and transparent so your child does not feel they should also be or do bad things - to be like their parents or big brother. 

The child may also need reassurance that their family member is safe and that they can see or talk to them again. It may help your child to give them a sense of the future – you could encourage them to count the days to special events such as the next visit or birthdays. Some prisons run homework clubs or special family days where children can visit in a more relaxed environment.

There are also many ways to help your child maintain contact with their loved one. Your child could send letters or artwork or even email their loved one, and the imprisoned family member can call the child. Many prisons also have access to Storybook Dads or Mums, where parents in prison can record stories on a CD to send to their children.

If you would like support in telling a child about a family member's imprisonment, call the Prisoners' Families Helpline on 0808 808 2003.

We often hear from families where their children have been told that their loved one is “working away”. However, keeping this story going can be challenging to maintain for long, especially if you want your child to visit their loved one – once children learn to read, they will understand the signs that they are in a prison.

Children may also know the truth and feel they have to “go along” with the story because otherwise, they will be in trouble – this can create feelings of worry for the child.

“At first, I tried to pretend this was the college I was at. But one day, my daughter said she wanted the TV on during the visit, and I said we weren’t allowed. So she said, “Can’t you ask the officers?”. I’d always called them teachers, and she looked really ashamed of letting it out, and I realised she knew this was a prison. I was amazed how she’d picked it up – she’s only five!”  - Mother in prison.

A cover story may work for a time, but it is better if you, as their mother, father or other close relative, can decide who tells what, when and how, in the best way possible to help your child feel safe and to help them maintain their trust in adults.

Children are often aware of much more than we give them credit for. Your child may be able to sense tension or a change of atmosphere at home. Your child may also be confused about where their loved one is, and they may imagine things that can be far worse than reality, which will worry them more.

The parent or carer left behind may understandably feel angry or let down by the person sent to prison. Children will pick up on a parent/carer's mood but may think it is directed at them.

There is no guaranteed way to protect children from discovering what has happened to their loved ones by other means – from school friends, neighbours, the press and social media such as Facebook. It will be more hurtful to your child if they find out in this way because you will not be there to support your child, explain the situation and help them come to terms with it.

It is every parent’s right to decide how and when to tell the children – and this should be the question to ask yourself rather than, “Shall I tell the children?”.

Providing a time and space to speak with your children and allowing them to ask any questions they may have will provide a safe environment for them. They will be able to understand that none of this is their fault and they should not be ashamed.

Do you want to know what other organisations are out there that can support you and your family? Go to www.prisonadvice.org.uk/get-help/helpful-organisations.

Our Locked Out book offers guidance on talking to children about offences and activities to help manage your child's feelings - Find out more